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Chinese 6.0pre33
milesyao at netscape dot net
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Saturday, May 24, 2003
Well, things have settled down into an uneasy, temporary equilibrium. J. came back from that weekend surprisingly solicitous, even trying to be a conversational go-between between me and E. E., on the other hand, kept right on with her studied obliviousness, paying me no more than the most perfunctory of attention.
There was one day last week, though, that the old casual rapport returned. There she was, lounging around enjoying an unexpected day off, and I had finally picked up the broom and the vacuum, to give the downstairs an overdue dusting. She chatted about food and restaurants that she had visited lately (like how so many conversations in this house starts). Although she showed no emotional interest to me, the vibe was relaxed and easy, and you wonder why it is so hard to achieve such little bits of grace between people.
Well, that day has passed, and she will be gone by next weekend. How is the finale going to play out? I have my lines worked out, but can I nudge this mess into a satisfying emotional & dramatic close?
12:57 PM
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
The rest of the week was a black swirl, as I was tormented by abandonment and disillusion. The world has suddenly become a cold, harsh place. Wherever I went, I flinch at the look of a stranger, my eyes scared and defenseless, ready to betray me in a flood of tears to the first inquirer.
The evening that E. and J. were to have their merry girls' celebration, I left the house early, not wanting to be mocked by their kissy-huggy sisterhood. Distraught and suicidal, I ended up on P.'s doorstep, where she restored me in her usual way - by distracting me with the barrage of her own problems :-) Still, she pulled me back from the brink. Time to refocus on my priorities.
Next day, I lunched with her and L. to brainstorm about my jobsearching. Then I called on C., whom I haven't spoken with for weeks. Ended up spending the whole afternoon with her and her now-preteen daughter - always a joy and balm on my soul.
But the weekend was a lonely one - J. off to her family and E. almost completely absent and resolutely cool. There was nowhere to go - so I slowly, numbly went through my routine, the motions of living. As Ventura said: "... the grace we strive for, and the sense of movement that is sometimes all that keeps us alive."
12:17 AM
Monday, May 12, 2003
(5/7) Wrapped in depression, self-pity and anger, I finally confronted J.
Actually, it's that my passive-aggressive cold shoulder has gotten too obvious to ignore, and she asked me simply what's wrong. Well, it wasn't the volcanic eruption that I had envisioned, but with suppressed anger I denounced her exclusive attachment to E. that has poisoned the common social life. Being a true American free-marketeer, she of course denied indignantly that there's anything wrong with that, and pushed the problem back to me. We narrowly avoided an all-out shouting match, but J. promised to debrief E. fully on the first opportunity, thereby forcing my hand - this is not the way I had planned it out!
The next morning, E. ever so casually said to me as I stumbled into the kitchen, "So J- said you want to talk to me?" Caught off-guard with no build-up at all, I stuttered out my words: "Uh, it's just that, uh, we don't seem to have a real chance to talk any more ..." "Oh, I told you back then that I am gonna be very busy when the year starts," and she went on breezily, dumping out her whole schedule for the week. What was I to say? I wasn't gonna bring up J. and start the wronged-wife-in-the-triangle soap opera - no way. So I just said, meekly: "Let me know when you have time that I can take you out to lunch, whenever you can", and watched her walk away.
Oh, it got better. Five minute later, she came downstairs and said, "By the way, I am going out to dinner tonight with J. and S. We are not excluding you; it's just that it's Girls' Night Out." With that, she sailed out the door and left me with my jaw dropped to the floor.
So she knew all along!
11:34 PM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
A storm-in-a-teacup, on the homefront
It started Sunday afternoon: I had finished my Sunday paper, and the dandelion infestation out on the front lawn is just too much to endure any more. So I grabbed E.'s special dandelion-pitchfork, a shopping bag, and headed out to do battle.
During the two hours, J. came in and went. And as I finished up, E. pulled up in her putty-putt Mercedes diesel, but wouldn't get out of the car - busy on the cell. Not a look or wave my way. I got back into the house, heard her came in, went downstair. She gave a short greeting. Then J. returned and immediately launched into a long, whining tirade (her usual mode of communication) about Delicious Orchards. There they were, E. and J. arguing about pies and breads in the kitchen, with me right in between and completely ignored.
And neither of them made a word of comment on what they both saw less than half an hour ago - me sweating out there on the grass digging up those buggers. Not "How was it?", "You must be tired." Not even one "Thank you".
That did it. I was furious and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!
J. sensed my cold rage when I brushed her on my way out to Foodtown later that night - I must have looked like a raging bull on the warpath stomping down the aisles. Next evening, she put on her "pat the grumpy puppy" mode and tried to engage me in conversation. That only got me madder - "I ain't playing your game this time", I thought. I just ignored her as she got increasingly alarmed: "I just want to know are you mad at me - just say Yes or No." Uh huh, I ain't letting you off the hook this easy: "Look, I'm in a hurry. If you don't mind I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT NOW!" She recoiled, whimpered out, and I stomped off to my networking meeting.
That was last night. I lay in bed sleepless, stewing in rage and channeling Michael Corleone - even though I wanted to be Vito: kind, fair, and magnanimous:
"I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, ... But now you come to me and you say - 'Don Corleone, give me justice.' But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather. ... Bonasera, Bonasera. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?"
Hell hath no fury like a (wo-)man scorned - I want to spew it all out, right in her face. I want to strike fear into her heart - I am tired of being Mr. Nice Guy and never getting credit for it ... but I have to think this through. There's E. and I don't want to lose her. Did she really withdraw from me because of J.? I wanted to talk things over with her and find out her feelings, before I make my moves on J.
Well, tonight I invited my network group home. J.'s in a huff because I didn't specifically tell her in advance, even though I already cleared with both of them on the general level. Even though I assured her, she asked E. again distrustfully, "Did Miles tell you that we are having the meeting here tonight?" - in my presence. And as my friends arrive, she barely greeted them, and quickly retreated to the backroom with E.
The wine started flowing, and the laughter and conversation roaring. Oh, we had a grand old time. And suddenly it struck me - ain't this Stanley Kowalski's poker night! Well, I sure didn't bargain for it, but for the first time I think I understood him - his violent outbursts that to him is only self-defense - to wily female manipulation.
3:06 AM
Friday, May 02, 2003
<geek-groupie>
Finally met some of the blog-gods in meatspace tonight - at the famous Katz's - after all these years (so forgive the embarrassing juvenile slobbering ....)
Spent some face-time with Doc Searl, on the pretext of translating his World of Ends. Not exactly the Walt Whitman that I was half-expecting, but very cordial. Exchanged handshakes and a smile with Halley - very pretty and charming and almost a twin to P. - hair, look, winks, lethal wit, professional ambition, taste in clothes (I can see them ordering out of the same catalog), and maybe even interior decor (quick - contemporary minimalist?). Got to hook them up!
Met kindly Britt, who expounded his project of codifying the grapevine method that we all use to find doctors and plumbers. Fascinating stuff - gotta read thru this later. And later he revealed that he'd spent time in Taichung as a Vietnam-War airforce pilot.
Also fascinating is the erudite Indian CIO of a large European investment bank, who's a book-lover, ex-journalist, and a champion of Open Source and the Mac. But he doesn't blog - position is too sensitive for that. Sanjay will kick himself for turning this down ...
There's Frank Patrick, a management consultant from Jersey, Steve Lewis, an ex-AT&Ter that went on to have an interesting globe-trotting life, and I've apparently shaken the hand of the Dan Gillmor without knowing it (but why would he show up on the East Coast? Not just for this shindig I don't think!). I was told a Movable Type honcho was also here promoting their latest venture.
In fact, the scent of business is thick in the air. From Doc himself to most everybody in the room are involved in the business end of IT in someway, either freelancing or as part of some small company. Promoting, selling, making contact. So the presence of a Wall Street CIO seemed to stir up some palpable excitement. Well, this kind of networking sure is OK by me!
By the way, if you want proof, I am somewhere in this stack of Polariods. Hint: It's obvious ;-)
(By the way, it's so exceedingly embarrassing to be asked by Halley about my blog and to have nothing to show - nothing like public humiliation to get you off your lazy ass ...)
</geek-groupie>
3:33 AM
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